Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Freedom_ line 10

I started making a spider's web, then it turned into this.
Original graphic created by:
Judith Parsons Art • San Francisco 2018

Line ten
“My lines are begging to be free, my lines are for freedom.”

I am playing with these lines, they surprisingly coincide with the events that are happening in my life.

I thought I could carry the extra energy of another soul again.

I would make statements, “overall- the good outweighs the bad. So all-in-all I kept swimming with this extra energy, using my arms to hold my love close to my chest. Time and time again the waters would rise, the winds would come and the waves would smash us in the face.

I felt I acquiesced over and over. I started to see, it didn’t matter to me- that there was a right and a wrong, I just wanted peace. 

But, that didn’t happen. Time and time again something would cause the storm to flare up. I guess, I wasn’t showing enough love, or wasn’t doing enough. It was always me not performing enough. not doing something enough.

Many times I kept telling myself I could gather all my strength in and keep carrying her in my arms. However, with every storm I took on water. I was becoming weaker and weaker with each storm.

I cried and prayed upon my back - floating and gasping for air, as the wind and the waves of the storm kept washing over me. I knew, that the all-in-all wasn’t balanced anymore. The bad was out weighing the good. I was the weaker one, I lost confidence in myself.  I was exhausted carrying this love that was no longer buoyant.

I felt heavy and sad. I sank. I kept holding on and let the storm take me down.

We keep hurting one another. I don’t want to give you false hope. 

Have we outgrown one another? We have changed one another forever. I am forever sad now, when I think of  us. How we will be on guard with one another. 

How we will wish and want for our love to be good, we will want for the good to outweigh the bad.

There is a shield up now. You probably have one now too. To protect your heart, because you also know we are dragging one another through the mud. 

I have never really thought of myself as stupid or ignorant. However, the love I held close to my chest revealed the slow learner, whilst we did the paper work. 

I realized I really became an artist because I really was slow, deficient in reading fast. I thought I had over come my learning challenges, and here they were - painfully in sight. 

Here I was back in elementary school, sitting in the library with head phones on, trying to learn to read. Back to square one. I could not answer your questions fast enough.

Finding that one paragraph in a stack of 12 pages was making my hands shake. 
You were angry and kept telling me you’d take care of it. Dismissing me. Like you were the parent. I tried, I kept gulping down my anger, grinding my teeth and reading through the answers. When right then I should have stopped and said;

“Listen to your gut J. Put it away, walk away. Let it all go.” 

It is time for divinity. Time to release everything. Time to just be.

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